Tag Archives: memoir

Bees at the End of Day

When morphine slowed and thickened
my Dad’s voice,
he told anyone who would listen
about the bee colony
in his hospice room.
Back and forth,
they flew.
He said in his dry, dying-man voice,
“I think they are moving
from one place to another.”

Dad, deep in glaucoma,
without his glasses,
high as he ever had been in life,
watched bees
go back and forth
building,
while he was dying.

Two days before his death, Dad,
who was vain about his voice,
who some would say was vainglorious about talking,
who was not a conversationalist so much as
one who didn’t know when to listen,
used the last of his voice
to castigate my sister,
for a mass of imagined insults and disappointments
over a malignant lifetime.

She left in tears and vowed never to return.
Something sacred had broken
and it couldn’t be healed over
or sealed up, at least not in time.
The golden honey of her daughter’s love
had drained out
and was lost upon the ground.

When he finished,
and she had left,
the cancer took his voice.
And still he watched the bees coming and going,
tearing down and building;
he signed to me
to bring my sister back to him
that he might make amends.

I did not know how to trust him either.
Bees make honey
but bees have stingers.
And when they sting, they die.

For two days,
I went back and forth
to bring my sister back to my father’s death bed

And when she consented,
with steel in her voice,
and steel in her backbone,
and steel in her jaw,
I promised I would be with her.

He took her warmth in both of his paper-dry cool hands
And clutched her hand to his thin chest
near his heart.
He looked at her face and moved his rough lips
and though he was no longer taking water,
tears squeezed out of the corners of his eyes
and rolled backward
across his ears
onto the smooth hospice pillowcase.

That night, he moved on–
no more back and forth.

Five years later, my sister thanked me
for being tough with her
and for insisting,
although I don’t remember it
exactly like that.

Grandpa’s Workbench

Gravestone for Frank Roderick Marsh

My grandfather said,
“Always buy the best tool you can afford,”
and
“Don’t try to get by with a substitute.”

He didn’t own a pair of vice grips.
He told me he couldn’t figure out what they were for.
Anything they could do, he had a better tool.
He had fixed-span wrenches, boxed and open,
he had crescent wrenches in seven sizes,
he had reversible ratchet sockets
and maple handled nut drivers.
He had left handed wrenches,
specialized wrenches bent at precise angles,
wrenches with heads gamboled on universal joints,
and everything duplicated in metric.
He had pliers but I was never to use them on bolts.
Pliers were for compressing spring clips,
twisting wire,
for replacing hose clamps
and breaking dried plugs out of the spout of the glue bottle.
He always used WD-40 as a solvent, never as a lubricant.

His son, my father, was born in 1928,
just in time for the Great Depression,
and those tools had fed Grandpa’s family for six years.
He could no more throw a tool away
than burn a fifty dollar bill.

He had dozens of screwdrivers.
Some had broken or chipped.
Grandpa ground them down,
reincarnated them with a shorter shank
or transmuted them into a scribe or an awl.

Sometimes, on overnights,
after supper,
while Grandma cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes,
Grandpa and I would go out to the garage.
On his immaculate workbench,
which must have weighed 800 pounds,
he would show me how to raise a wooden curl as fine as an eyelash
using a spoke shave,
or how to hack out wooden handles with a draw knife.
or how to build drawer slides with a matched pair of hand planes.
or how to sharpen a plane iron on a whetstone and
how to de-burr the edge with a strop .

He showed me how to use my thumbnail as a guide
for the kerf of the crosscut saw,
how to use a bow saw,
a coping saw,
a backsaw.

He looked over my shoulder while his bifocals slid down his nose.
The wire cage of the single bulb lamp shone from behind him.
The smoke from his Pall Mall curled up past an eye, an ear,
into the light and the wire cage.

He never, not once, said, “Wait until you’re older.”

It’s Entropy, Baby

This is another old poem, but I found a link on YouTube to an old video I put out years ago. If I were to record it again today, I’d pick a moderately slower tempo. (and my new gravelly voice.) It’s a good poem to put out on one’s 69th birthday.

 

No matter what you build, it all comes crashing down. No matter what you want, it all goes out of round. No matter how you sing, you make a discordant sound. It’s Entropy, Baby and it’s the law of the land.

It all spills into disarray. It all breaks into pieces. It happened to Sister Teresa. It happened to Jesus. As much as we want to keep breathing, eventually it ceases. It’s Entropy, Baby. And it’s the law of the land. Everybody turns to dust.

The universe is collapsing in upon its point of birth, or else it’s evaporating  away from the center. No matter what we do In our little stay on Earth, we end up evicted like A delinquent renter. It’s Entropy, Baby and it’s the law of the land. Everybody turns to dust. And we’re breaking up the band.

Energy flows to where it hasn’t been. No matter how much you have, you always need more again. Feather, fur or fin–you die, you rot, you pay the wages of your sin. Your molecules go out. They don’t even know each other when they meet up again. It’s Entropy, Baby. And it’s the law of the land. Everybody turns to dust. And we’re breaking up the band. On a subatomic level

Everything goes to hell Given enough time. My effort to keep the rhythm raises hell with the rhyme. When I pay attention to the rhyming, the timing falls apart. Everything goes to hell. There’s arrhythmia in my heart. It’s Entropy, Baby. And it’s the law of the land. Everybody turns to dust. And we’re breaking up the band. On a subatomic level they need your parts again.

Sunshine singers say, “Look, it’s bright.” The sun comes up and spreads the light. The rain that falls on the grave in the spring brings grass, and leaves, and there’s life again. But it’s Entropy, Baby. And it’s the law of the land. Everybody turns to dust. And we’re breaking up the band. On a subatomic level They need your parts again. ‘Cause it’s entropy, Baby.

The elements that bring back the new life will erode my gravestone over time And the granite will turn to sand. Even the conquering worm becomes dust motes in the sunshine. And children who play in the sunshine will grow,  break their hearts, break their necks and die all alone. It’s Entropy, Baby. And it’s the law of the land. Everybody turns to dust. And we’re breaking up the band. On a subatomic level They need your parts again. ‘Cause it’s entropy, Baby. And it’s the law of the land.

I celebrate the life of my father’s mother’s father: Francis Marion Cox

I can remember
near Memorial Day
of 1955.
My great-grandfather Cox,
(just Grampa to me)
has me seated in the car
up front with him.
I am sitting as tall as I can
in order to see out the windows.
Grampa is driving through the center of town,
three traffic lights then as now.
The first light clicks to red
in front of the courthouse.
Grandpa rolls to a stop next to
a skinny man
wearing an army barracks cap
in the cross walk.
The man, much younger than Grandpa,
nonetheless familiar, says,
“Frank, where’s your Poppy?”
Grandpa always looks pissed off,
Like he’s chewing something tough.
But he pulls two dollars
from his shirt pocket,
hands them to the man in the cap.
“I want two, Melvin.”
He gives me a glance.
He doesn’t smile,
He looks like he got stuck
with some duty
beneath his station.
He lays both paper flowers
on the dash.
He drives one block and turns right,
drives past the Post Office,
makes another right
into the parking lot behind Beech Market.
He stops the old Dodge,
takes a paper poppy
And twists the wire stem
around the middle button on my shirt
He does the same to his own.

I remember he placed his higher,
where he couldn’t really see it
but others could.
The VFW had completely
occupied our downtown.
I didn’t know then
that
the poppy was a protection racket.
It was a cool poppy.

Grampa always smelled of tobacco.
The poppy didn’t smell like anything.

Cathartes Aura (#9)

Stepped off the thermal

Ancestors in my family
(mostly women–the men are heathens)
believed that when the Turkey Vultures
roosted in the trees,
the lower they roosted
the greater chance of a death nearby.
It was not always a person.
Sometimes a pet or a milk cow.

I have been feeling a step or two
closer to death all winter,
but with the return of the Vultures
and the very late hints of an actual Spring,
I have felt Death’s silent retreat.
She understands her eventual victory
and she is satisfied to be patient.

The Buzzards have been working the back roads
now that the snow is gone,
especially in the ditches by the two lanes.
Winter has conspired
to preserve and to age
deer carcasses
and the hairy lumps of raccoons and opossums.
The Raptors survived the snow that lingered
after their arrival
on a predictable fare of flat squirrels.

The Old Ones are patient too.
All day they have wheeled high in the sky.
They constantly survey eight square miles.
They watch and they wait.
They understand their inevitable victory as well.

They come from miles to roost in loose communities.
They wheel in from on high
in tight arcs, left and right.
They depend on smaller currents,
Invisible to us.
A precise and studied aerial ballet,
they spill air from powerful wings,
which if provoked
can break a man’s forearm,
wheel tight through branches.
Again spill wind,
drop the back of the wing to slow speed, spill air,
drop the black curtains of feathers,
to hug the air to breast and
to stop
with no visible support.
To step
off the wind onto the branch
more than halfway to the top of the tree.
Folding wings, they squat motionless,
hunching their shoulders into the last fading rays of the sun,
black, slender lumps on the limbs of leafless trees.

They sleep
and dream Vulture dreams
of warmer days
and bounty.

Hard Cider

Sometime between the fall of 1958 and the fall of 1962 I learned the lore of hard cider, at least as it applied to Marsh men going back three generations in my family.

We often drank apple cider in my family when it was in season. I don’t know if it was cheaper than milk or not. I’m pretty sure it was not cheaper than Kool-Aid but despite the tight food budget we stayed on for years, cider was still allowed on the grocery list when it was in season. I speculate that it was a rare indulgence of my father’s that the rest of us got to share in.

In the fall of 1958 our house was small. It was the first house my parents owned. It was just a couple of miles outside of town on a divided highway. Since then, the house and in fact, the whole highway are gone. I can point out the approximate location on a drive by, but I’m never exactly certain. Odd to think of having spent  my formative life there and not know today exactly where it was. But I remember some things with clarity.

We rarely used the front entrance to our house. There was no walkway from the dirt and gravel drive to the front porch. Instead, everyone used the back door. The driveway turned into parking places under two spreading black walnut trees where there was a short walkway my mother installed with used red brick. That led to the back door which was on a little enclosed porch. It was very small with space enough to get out of the weather and close one door behind you before you opened the kitchen door to come inside.

The milk company still delivered milk in those days. We had an aluminum-clad box in there for the milkman’s deliveries. It was insulated to keep the milk from freezing on cold winter mornings. But for about 6 weeks in the fall, that was where Dad kept the sweet apple cider too. He rationed it out slowly. His argument was that too much apple cider would give you the runs. That was probably true, but we never got to learn that life lesson on our own. His direct regulation was why.

The thing about apple cider back then was that there were never any preservatives in it. It contained fresh apple juice and that was all. It was pretty usual for cider to begin to “turn” before Dad’s parsimonious distribution ever came close to emptying the jug. Turning involved naturally existing yeasts beginning to ferment the liquid. Most of the time, that meant a little bit of alcohol in the mix, but sometimes it would be bacteria that fed off the alcohol and generated vinegar. The point was to keep the cider long enough for it to ferment a little but not so long that the “mother of vinegar” developed in the bottom of the jug and converted the hard cider to vinegar.

Dad was the one who most liked hard cider. He told me stories how his grandfather, Gary, my great-grandfather, made applejack from the apples he grew in his own small orchard. I can’t tell you how much truth there was to the story, but the way Dad told it, there were always enough details to make it believable.

Generally, to make apple cider into applejack one added brown sugar and raisins to raise the amount of fermentable sugars in the juice and then to keep oxygen and other bacterial contaminants out of the concoction, you stretched a balloon over the neck of the jug. In the morning, Dad would let the night’s build up of CO2 out of the balloon and when he came home from work in the afternoon, he would remove the balloon, take a couple of healthy swigs from the neck of the jug, declare it “not-quite-ready” and return the balloon to the neck and set it carefully on top of the milk box. The fermentation process needed the heat from the sun coming through the little window on the south side of the entryway and the storm door on the west. This was a crudely effective way to keep a ferment alive for many days.

The historical story also included a part where Dad’s grandfather used to sneak my father sips of the applejack. It was a secret he and grandpa shared. Makes a lot of sense to me now, more than 50 years after he told me the story. So I don’t know if my father liked applejack or if he liked the connection to his grandfather from many years before, but there was always a jug growing a balloon in our entryway in the fall.

There were two issues here. I knew about the “purloined sips,” and I knew the recipe. I want you to know I was never caught in this first part of the surreptitious applejack production. A kid could sneak a sip or two of applejack if his timing was right. My timing was thus: Dad got up to go to work. He released the carbon dioxide from the balloon and left. I, however, did not have to go to school until a while after that. The trick was to be the first one or the last one out to the bus stop. I would come through the breezeway, remove the balloon, tip the jug up on one shoulder, take several pulls off the sweet-bitey liquid. Then replace the liquid I drank with fresh cider from the milk box and Dad was none the wiser. The balloon filled all day while Dad was at work, when he came home he took his turn and recycled.

But eventually, he would complain that the recipe didn’t seem to be working right. He made a big production about explaining how the mixture needed more brown sugar and more raisins. He recharged the jug and I watched. That was the most powerful raw hard cider ever. I wonder how many morning classes I slept through in late autumn.

Here is the way it ended. Once, late in the season, it had gotten very cold overnight. The milk and the cider in the milk box were just fine. They were insulated from the cold, but the applejack maker was sitting on top. It froze, all but a couple of big glugs of rather clear-ish liquid in the neck of the jug. What I didn’t understand back then was that certain liquids have different freezing points. What we had in the jug was about 125 ounces of frozen apple juice, raisins and brown sugar and about three ounces of pure-ish ethanol. It is called freeze distilling and it was a technique employed by ethanol lovers for generations.

But what was a young boy to do without that information? Down the hatch! Replace the balloon and go to school. No, I didn’t get sent home from school. I just cruised through. But when I came home, the apple jack generator was gone. Dad said it had produced all it was going to, that when he sampled it when he got home it had hardly any kick to it at all and that’s when he threw it out. I didn’t tell him anything, but obviously I remembered the family recipe.

When we moved into town, we no longer had an entryway nor an aluminum-clad insulated milk box. The world was getting more modern and we didn’t have a milkman at all. I don’t remember much cider in that house, sweet, hard or otherwise.

I still make cider when I can. I have a small press and three apple trees. I also have a wife who puts up with the sticky mess it always becomes. And two grandsons who have declared Pop Pop’s Cider the best in the world, “even better than the Dexter Mill,” according to Teddy.

I made hard cider a couple of years ago, but it never tastes exactly right. I probably need to add some raisins and brown sugar. And maybe I need some kids around here to help me more often. I promise if that happens I won’t let them drink homemade apple moonshine. But if you hear me complaining about the quality of my apple cider, check Teddy. Smell his breath.