Tag Archives: literature

After Knowing

Before knowing
There is not knowing.
We bumble along
In our ignorance
Like a bee bypassing a flower
And we care not–
Because we know not.

Then suddenly we know.
Ignorance is torn,
Like a worn garment
discarded.

We bumble on
With the new known.

But for some few of us,
There is the new not known.
That which was known
Is known no more.
We no longer know the flower.
The scent is foreign.
Genus and Species slide back
Into unknowing.
This nectar is not known,
And then nectar is not known.

Hard Cider

Sometime between the fall of 1958 and the fall of 1962 I learned the lore of hard cider, at least as it applied to Marsh men going back three generations in my family.

We often drank apple cider in my family when it was in season. I don’t know if it was cheaper than milk or not. I’m pretty sure it was not cheaper than Kool-Aid but despite the tight food budget we stayed on for years, cider was still allowed on the grocery list when it was in season. I speculate that it was a rare indulgence of my father’s that the rest of us got to share in.

In the fall of 1958 our house was small. It was the first house my parents owned. It was just a couple of miles outside of town on a divided highway. Since then, the house and in fact, the whole highway are gone. I can point out the approximate location on a drive by, but I’m never exactly certain. Odd to think of having spent  my formative life there and not know today exactly where it was. But I remember some things with clarity.

We rarely used the front entrance to our house. There was no walkway from the dirt and gravel drive to the front porch. Instead, everyone used the back door. The driveway turned into parking places under two spreading black walnut trees where there was a short walkway my mother installed with used red brick. That led to the back door which was on a little enclosed porch. It was very small with space enough to get out of the weather and close one door behind you before you opened the kitchen door to come inside.

The milk company still delivered milk in those days. We had an aluminum-clad box in there for the milkman’s deliveries. It was insulated to keep the milk from freezing on cold winter mornings. But for about 6 weeks in the fall, that was where Dad kept the sweet apple cider too. He rationed it out slowly. His argument was that too much apple cider would give you the runs. That was probably true, but we never got to learn that life lesson on our own. His direct regulation was why.

The thing about apple cider back then was that there were never any preservatives in it. It contained fresh apple juice and that was all. It was pretty usual for cider to begin to “turn” before Dad’s parsimonious distribution ever came close to emptying the jug. Turning involved naturally existing yeasts beginning to ferment the liquid. Most of the time, that meant a little bit of alcohol in the mix, but sometimes it would be bacteria that fed off the alcohol and generated vinegar. The point was to keep the cider long enough for it to ferment a little but not so long that the “mother of vinegar” developed in the bottom of the jug and converted the hard cider to vinegar.

Dad was the one who most liked hard cider. He told me stories how his grandfather, Gary, my great-grandfather, made applejack from the apples he grew in his own small orchard. I can’t tell you how much truth there was to the story, but the way Dad told it, there were always enough details to make it believable.

Generally, to make apple cider into applejack one added brown sugar and raisins to raise the amount of fermentable sugars in the juice and then to keep oxygen and other bacterial contaminants out of the concoction, you stretched a balloon over the neck of the jug. In the morning, Dad would let the night’s build up of CO2 out of the balloon and when he came home from work in the afternoon, he would remove the balloon, take a couple of healthy swigs from the neck of the jug, declare it “not-quite-ready” and return the balloon to the neck and set it carefully on top of the milk box. The fermentation process needed the heat from the sun coming through the little window on the south side of the entryway and the storm door on the west. This was a crudely effective way to keep a ferment alive for many days.

The historical story also included a part where Dad’s grandfather used to sneak my father sips of the applejack. It was a secret he and grandpa shared. Makes a lot of sense to me now, more than 50 years after he told me the story. So I don’t know if my father liked applejack or if he liked the connection to his grandfather from many years before, but there was always a jug growing a balloon in our entryway in the fall.

There were two issues here. I knew about the “purloined sips,” and I knew the recipe. I want you to know I was never caught in this first part of the surreptitious applejack production. A kid could sneak a sip or two of applejack if his timing was right. My timing was thus: Dad got up to go to work. He released the carbon dioxide from the balloon and left. I, however, did not have to go to school until a while after that. The trick was to be the first one or the last one out to the bus stop. I would come through the breezeway, remove the balloon, tip the jug up on one shoulder, take several pulls off the sweet-bitey liquid. Then replace the liquid I drank with fresh cider from the milk box and Dad was none the wiser. The balloon filled all day while Dad was at work, when he came home he took his turn and recycled.

But eventually, he would complain that the recipe didn’t seem to be working right. He made a big production about explaining how the mixture needed more brown sugar and more raisins. He recharged the jug and I watched. That was the most powerful raw hard cider ever. I wonder how many morning classes I slept through in late autumn.

Here is the way it ended. Once, late in the season, it had gotten very cold overnight. The milk and the cider in the milk box were just fine. They were insulated from the cold, but the applejack maker was sitting on top. It froze, all but a couple of big glugs of rather clear-ish liquid in the neck of the jug. What I didn’t understand back then was that certain liquids have different freezing points. What we had in the jug was about 125 ounces of frozen apple juice, raisins and brown sugar and about three ounces of pure-ish ethanol. It is called freeze distilling and it was a technique employed by ethanol lovers for generations.

But what was a young boy to do without that information? Down the hatch! Replace the balloon and go to school. No, I didn’t get sent home from school. I just cruised through. But when I came home, the apple jack generator was gone. Dad said it had produced all it was going to, that when he sampled it when he got home it had hardly any kick to it at all and that’s when he threw it out. I didn’t tell him anything, but obviously I remembered the family recipe.

When we moved into town, we no longer had an entryway nor an aluminum-clad insulated milk box. The world was getting more modern and we didn’t have a milkman at all. I don’t remember much cider in that house, sweet, hard or otherwise.

I still make cider when I can. I have a small press and three apple trees. I also have a wife who puts up with the sticky mess it always becomes. And two grandsons who have declared Pop Pop’s Cider the best in the world, “even better than the Dexter Mill,” according to Teddy.

I made hard cider a couple of years ago, but it never tastes exactly right. I probably need to add some raisins and brown sugar. And maybe I need some kids around here to help me more often. I promise if that happens I won’t let them drink homemade apple moonshine. But if you hear me complaining about the quality of my apple cider, check Teddy. Smell his breath.

Evolving Symmetry–A series of Short Poems about Aging

I love smoked meats.
It takes a little extra prep
And slow heat for a long time.
It’s harder than blasting a piece of protein with high flame
Then gnawing through it,
Poking it down with microwaved green beans.
But I have adjusted. Maybe I have more time.
Or I’m willing to spend it more slowly.

Who invented the 2 minute hug?
And how did we muddle through without it?
The old hugs saved us 117 seconds a day,
About 58 minutes a month
Almost twelve hours a year,
But we missed too much.
My heart doesn’t know what it is doing for at least 15 seconds.
It’s all brain and intention at first (and awkwardly self-conscious)
Until I open. It takes more than one try sometimes.

Holding hands in front of the television?
Is anything quite as much of a cliché?
My shows, your shows, our shows.
Your hand, with that active thumbnail,
Wiggling and jiggling on my cuticle?
My fingertip pad, running over the ridges in your fingernail.
The dog practices hand-hold interruptus,
Rubbing the web between your thumb and forefinger,
Making my finger multitask, scratching a dog ear to keep the peace.

There are no instructions for retirement.
So much of my day is spent waiting.
Tamoxifen insists on your daily naps
When we can make them happen.
I spend considerable time waiting to be with you.
And then we play Jeopardy.
We aren’t quite as good as we used to be.

Our inappropriate behavior.
Laughing at our own aphasia.
Ridiculing the loss of the keys, my glasses, a toothbrush.
Calling it “getting lucky” when I catch you naked from the shower.
Talking you down from an insult hurled at you at work.
You telling me to stop watching Fox News.

Carving out a life after all.
No one warned I’d have trouble swinging a hammer
Or climbing ladders.
That your thumb would refuse to open a canning jar,
That I would have to wait for a good day to trim my toenails,
That a good night’s sleep is nine consecutive forty-five minute naps
Interrupted by the urgent need to pee.

The Fibonacci dance.
After these decades
We finally know, a little,
About co-navigating our space and time.
You with me
Me with you
You with yourself
And me with me.
As we play for time,
We are finding the exquisite rhythms.

 

Haiku

The older I get,
The slower each day passes,
But years seem to rush.

Haiku?

These come in from a cull of some old notebooks. I’m posting them here for an archive, if nothing else. Feel free to peek in this archive if you want. If, when you leave, you are still counting, I have failed.

 

I am unsure of the date for these three. Maybe March of 2017

 

Is alt-medicine

newspeak for Flint tap water?

Or do you smoke it?

 

My father enrolled

in watchmakers’ school. He lived

His perfect metaphor.

 

The rheumatism

has my left leg in its jaws,

Motherfucker!

 

 

On November 1, 2017

The old, fat man sees

his penis in a mirror.

“There you are, young Toad.”

On August 4, 2018

Refrigerator
On the fritz. Warm beer’s better
Than no beer at all.

On Ash Wednesday of 2016, I wrote:

No ashes for me.

Why the annual proof of faith?

Faith isn’t on skin.

I also wrote a note that I was glad I got to live in a country and a culture where I can write this idea. Today…eh.

 

A February 2017 offering a memory of a thing of beauty.

Thicker than bacon

Spanish cheese made of sheep milk

Medium oven.

 

It seems very odd to post the next two in May. They spoke of a much different experience than now.

At last, it is winter.

I have missed you like mania

Misses depression.

and

Today is too cold

For Valentine’s Day, my love.

My blood fails to heat.

And the marginal note said, “Deb’s 200 miles away anyway.”

On 4/19

Jawbone of an opossum

 

Three year old Nora and I walked to the pond today.
We brandished a slingshot to ploop stones.

Deer tracks littered quotation marks
over the sandy approach to the south end.

We found bleached bones in a handful of gray fur–
unlucky young opossum’s night path crossed mother Red Fox.

The jawbone, with most teeth still intact,
was declared “Dinosaur” and ordered for collection.

We also collected three interesting rock samples.
They are polishing each other in my right pocket now.

Geometry & Poetry 4-18

The sun appears to rise in the eastern sky, increasing its angle of incidence from the horizon.

My window is on the SW side of my house, above ground level. I sit with my shoulders perpendicular to the glass.

#1 At what angle will westbound and downbound rays of light correspond to the angle of inclination on the rear window of that SUV parked directly west of me so that its glint prevents me from reading?

#2 As the sun appears to rise in the clear sky and arc toward the south, at what time will the beam be so deflected as to permit me to continue my book?

#3 Can I apply this geometry to my SSW facing passive solar heat collector that, until now, has been content to sit in shade every morning?

#4 Is this poem worthy of the distraction?

Show your work.

Touchstones

America,
What are your touchstones?
What is it that allows American arrogance?
I don’t say that judgmentally.
It’s able to simply sit like a toad in a puddle.
It’s a toad. It’s in a puddle.
In this case, the toad’s the truth.
In another case, it might be the puddle.

Lately, a lot has been said about guns.
Is it guns? Is that a touchstone?
You could make a case.
Lately the case seems very gory, and hate-filled.
Guns seem to have something to do with racism
and kind of sideways religious intolerance.
And hate. It’s rolled up into a
Tangled confluence.

Is it money?
Our money or will anyone’s money do?
Or is it the system that delivers the money?
Or is it the people to whom the system delivers the money?
I get lost in the hierarchy.
Seems like a lot of hate in the world about money right now.
Or maybe it’s the system that makes Americans hate.
Or the people who the system works for.
It’s kind of tangly too.

Is it freedom? I love freedom in America.
Freedom is great. More freedom is greater.
I’m free to do anything I want in America.
I can walk down your street with guns and money.
And I can say hateful things at the top of my lungs.
That’s freedom and it takes
a thousand Hell’s Angles spending money on guns on the head of a pin
to keep us free.

God bless Hell’s Angles.
God bless freedom.

Steeping 4-24

At six he still finds it possible to lap-sprawl.
But now his shoulders hang off one side,
His knees off the other.

He throws his head and cub lion’s mane back.
I see the sure pulse in his neck.
His kick is strong when I tickle.

This will all be over in a couple of years
Or sooner.
Giggles give way to needing referees on the field.

Fathers urge their sons onward.
Grandfathers are willing to steep a few moments.
I’ve been all three.

For Four-Twenty

Two More Days

As capricious as Spring can be,
I think she has come round again.
It is Friday.
If sun & cloud & wind conspire,
Winter’s back is broken.

The evidence is here:

-Monday’s grass strains two shades of gray-green away from winter sere.

-A single tadpole madly flagellates the big pond.

-A dozen robins rape each other all day in full sunlight.

-Buzzards spill air to pick the bones of winterkill.