Caution: frank talk of suicide. Not a plea for personal help.

There is a moment every morning
when I decide not to kill myself today.
It might be after making coffee, not always.
Or after the under-blanket stretch which brings
a shudder of bladder awareness.
It might be after toast,
after email,
but sometime in the morning,
I elect to to go on with the mundane
and put off the ultimate until tomorrow.

I may be lazy—
just can’t get motivated to finish.

I may be forgetful.
It often doesn’t even occur to me until nearly afternoon
by which time it would be irredeemably irrational.
Why go through the mundane start of another mundane day
only to end it after News at Noon?

I may be fearful that leaving such a mess for someone else
in full daylight would be an act of terror.
And some days it’s too cold to go outside. Or too hot. Or raining.

By the time dinner is over,
there seems no point in doing more than going to bed
in service to Depression.
No one gets out of bed to kill themselves.
Behind closed lids,
I listen to the background hiss of the universe,
which I just discovered doesn’t exist.
My doctor says it is tinnitus.
I also learned the sense of hearing
may last beyond the loss of consciousness…
meaning
it is possible to hear your own dying breath,
if it gets past the tinnitus.

I do not get out of bed
except to pee.
No one commits suicide in their sleep.
Maybe there should be a prime time show
where the sleuth sets off to find
why the old man committed suicide
in his pajamas,
or his boxers,
or with his wherewithal hanging out.
I never think about suicide in my sleep.